I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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