Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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