So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
be right there i have to get my cape
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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