then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
