I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
