I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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