I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
