Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
