***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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