Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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