I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
