I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
