I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize