my phone needs a breathalizer
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
