I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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