You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So much Jack, so little girl.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
