soooo we both peed the bed last night...
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
