We're like a lot better than the average bears
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
