no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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