I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
