Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize