I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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