You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i wish my penis had a tongue
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
