I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Dear god my vagina.
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