I wish I could punch you in the face.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Tell her she can't have a vagina
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
