I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
