remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
