He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Randomize
