you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Randomize
