1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
