like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
