Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
the liver wants what the liver wants
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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