he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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