Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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