Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
