I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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