I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
