I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
