I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
