hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
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