when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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