I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
