I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
