a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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