woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
i out mim tonsoeep
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
