we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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