I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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