When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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