Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
