Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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