hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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