I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
