Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
