Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
