i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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