my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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